don't know where else to put this

So I went to the bathroom just now, and as I was washing my hands, I randomly started crying out of nowhere.

Obviously it was because I was thinking about her, but I can't figure out the actual reason. I think it's most likely to do with the fact that I proved to be a fricken useless friend on numerous occasions and yet I think I'm kind and logical and sensible and all this crap and yet I can't even talk to my best mate goddamn properly.

but I'm all the way over here in NZ. so I don't know.

I don't know anything. :/

Buckaroo Holiday

A completely irrelevant title for the content of this blog entry. Hooray! 8D Well, I guess I chose it because it's the name of the song that's currently stuck in my head. Seriously, it's AWESOME. It's by Copland. Go look it up on YouTube and get an earful of good music.

Well, 2011 has been pretty good so far. I got $100 for feeding the neighbours' cats for about 11 days. 8U MONEYMONEYMONEY! And I've started growing my own peas and beans in the veggie patch in our garden! At first I was kinda "meehh this hurts my back blahh" about gardening but it's really quite nice once you get used to it. It's cool to go down and water your darling little plants and be happy in knowing that you're growing something that you can eat freshly plucked from the stem/ground/whatever, without having to buy it at a store. C:

I know this sounds really dumb coming from someone who has called herself a Pink Floyd fan for over a year, but... late in December, I listened to their famous album The Wall, in full, from beginning to end, for the first time ever. ...Let's just say that I'm an obsessed fan now. ART SHALL BE MADE. If I'm not lazy. OTL;;;


(The underlines bits are all references to the songs on the album. Iiiii'm just a bit of a dork. CAN YOU TELL?)

I never thought I'd say this, but I have been seriously missing youth orchestra. It's just like school - you're at school and you whine and whinge about how you just want it to be the holidays already, and then when you're in the holidays, you want to go back to school 'cause it's part of your life. At least that's how I see it - you don't know what you've got till it's gone... even if it involves getting up early every Saturday morning, going on a 20-minute drive to Wellington (sometimes with TERRIBLE weather conditions), having nowhere good to put your instrument case, being yelled at by the conductor, feeling guilty because you haven't practiced, and having only biscuits and juice to feed on during break. BUT I LOVE IT ANYWAY. <3 Probably because I've been listening to the namesake of this blog entry - it's such gorgeous music, seriously. Anyway, we've filled out the youth orch application form and next month I will audition.

I've been wearing summery shorts, tanktops and jandals for the past few weeks, and it feels great! I hate the cold icy southern winds that we get around here and having to bundle up in layers because of it. In Windy Wellington, the heat is something I am willing to stand, because it's such a treat around here. |3

However... I need new shorts (read: shorts that aren't TOO short). And new jeans. And new t-shirts. So yesterday, the whole family plus Zia (my brother's girlfriend who is like the cool big sister I never had) popped out to Wellington so that us girls could do some shopping and Dad could get some errands done. (My brother, Gareth, had to be there anyway because he works in Wellington.) And if you remember a certain blog entry from last year, I did a similar thing with Zia, looking for new clothes to wear - but I didn't buy anything except for a hat. This almost happened now, except I didn't buy anything at all. Perhaps it's because I'm picky about my tastes (I want to find clothes that are practical, comfortable AND look nice!), or maybe it's because I'm constantly inbetween sizes so nothing fits me properly, or maybe it's just that all the clothes in the shops are changing or something...? I don't know. I am not good at shopping nowadays. ;_____; I'm going to have to try again soon.

Hmm... I don't think it was very necessary, writing a whole huge paragraph just to conclude with the fact that I am difficult to find good fitting clothes for. So I'm going to make up for it with... DOODLES!


Bullet, you're silly... and in trouble for seemingly looking at her chest. I might make a better version of this picture. |D


Tracks singing Christmas carols. ...I want this sweater. And his socks.


HATERS GONNA HATE~ (This is Kaden, a relatively new character.)


IT'S THE NEW TOM AND JERRY!


Aaawww, brothers. They just love each other so much, don't they? C:


Uhh, Zach in Cars form? I dunno why this one happened. BUT I LIKE IT~

That's all for now!

New year!

It's been approximately a whole year since I created this blog. Let us reflect on 2010, shall we?

- As much as I wanted to in the beginning, I did not really improve very much on my art, at all. B| In fact, sometimes I got a lot worse. This is due to art block and also that I had to focus on the final and most important year of my school life, Year 13. (I often found myself torn between caring about school and caring about art.) However, if there's one thing I got MUCH better at, it's anatomy, which I'm very happy about because it allows me to draw the things I want to draw without being all FHSDFG MUSCLE GOES WHERE?. C': Soooo yes.

- School... okay, uhh, every year I've always been like I GOTTA DO BETTER AT SCHOOL NEXT YEAR FO SRSLY and it used to work back when I CARED about school, but ever since Year 10 it's been a constant battle between education and freedom. You just can't have both in Year 13. ;_____; So as much as I dislike the NCEA system, I struggled on and gave it my all in the last few months, and I think that I shall pass Level 3. Narrowly, but it counts, right? :'D And the awards I got for writing (I now have my own fancy little trophy!) and music made up for it, too.

- Also, remember when I was talking about my interest of high school/general cliques and I was wondering about which one I should fit into? Well, I went through a few phases... first I was trying to be "indie" at the beginning of the year (fail), and then I was trying to be a free-spirited nature-loving dreamer (which I still kind of am), and around about the same time I started dressing all in black for some reason - my "emo phase", as Matt likes to call it, except apart from that I wasn't emo in the slightest - and then... let's see, after that I became a sorta cynical, sarcastic band geek... and then finally I ended up just being me. Yep. Just me. And I like just being me. I don't "fit" anywhere, and I'm fine with that. C:

- I remember 2009 sucking a lot in terms of my social life. Apart from my online buddies, most of my friends in real life tended to be adults because I find adults so much easier to talk to. However, in 2010 I actually found myself socializing with people, and all us Year 13 groups of friends, who barely spoke to each other before, were now mixing and mingling and getting along really nicely! I felt so happy to be accepted and I got better at standing up for what I believe in because everybody was more open-minded about the person next to them. I haven't been this social since 2008, so that was lovely. <3

- I did a lot of discovering about myself and the world, in mostly positive ways. I posted a lot of these things on my blog but I don't think anybody really reads this thing anymore so yeah. :1; Point is, I had a good time doing that.

Sooooooooo yeah. 2010 has been mostly pretty good, even if there were a few bumps in the road - but when isn't there? Anyway, it sure as hell beat 2009. B1

And now, let us journey on into 2011 - the year where I have no school, plenty of time to relax and focus on the things I really want to, such as art and music and orchestra, and to start becoming independent and exploring the big wide world around me, seeing as I'm nearly 18...

But also, it's the year where I have to get a job. Dang! >.<

Questions

Ignore this post, we're just beating ourselves up.

(Note: the normal font represents me; the italic font represents Bullet.)



I just wanted
To help you.

I thought that
I made a difference.

Because I’m your best friend.
And I’m your husband.

And we can have some fun times.
We used to have fun times.

But why can’t I help you when you’re sad?
Why didn’t I spend enough time with you?

I feel
So useless.

When I come to see you,
You don’t feel like smiling
And when I try to lighten things up,
It doesn’t work.

And the longer I stay,
The worse it gets.
For me and for you.
Especially for you.

Why does this
Always happen?

Why can’t I ever
Do anything right?

Why can’t I ever
Get through to you?

Is there something wrong
With the way I love?

I am not a saviour.
I am merely a pill.
You take me
And then
The pain
Comes back.

You like talking to yourself
But you will not talk to me.

You can amuse yourself
But no matter what I do or say
It will not have
Any effect
On your thoughts
Or your feelings.

I know that you love me
And I love you possibly even more
But sometimes it’s as if
You’re better off without.

I don’t want to be mad
And I certainly don’t want to be sad.

It’s not your fault.
It’s all my fault.

Why is it that
Every time we touch
I always
Ruin everything?

I won’t ever leave you.
But please don’t leave me.



tl;dr: baaaaaawwwwwww we suck

SO

...After a long time of being fairly confused, I think I'm asexual.



YAY?

ROFFLE

I bet I only wrote that last blog entry because I was angsty because it was that time of the month. >:B
NEGATIVENESS, BE GONE~! ...waaiit is negativeness even a word? fjsdjkgfd WHO CARES.


Soooo... doodles? Yes!


A WIP of something nice. YAY BUCKTEEF.


I drew this at school... on MS Paint... with a mouse. B| Anyway, the joke is that sometimes we play Nirvana in the art classroom and there was this song that goes, "I'm on a plain, I can't complain"... and I honestly thought that the singer was talking about being on an AIRPLANE. XDDDD;;; and then i looked up the lyrics and i was like OHHH A PLAIN. god I'm a DORK fsdgjkdfjkf


Bullet's mommy as a teenager. c:


Bullet being like WTF NO at Ashton's death. ...In all seriousness though, he was all stiff and robotic for like, a week before it finally hit him. Meep.


Um...

day five

OMGUGUISEIHADAREALIZATION.


I just realized that sometimes, in a situation, my initial feelings can be false or bad. And that when I get them out of the way, I wonder why I felt them at all.

I also realized that if I manage to terminate these feelings without directing them at someone else, then it's really, really worth it because there's no harm done!

If I follow by these rules, then the world will be a better place for all of us.
I'M SO HAPPY AGHSDFJF C8


Oh man... in the last few days I've been going through this kind of cycle. If I get a good sleep one night, then I'll get hardly any sleep the night after that, and then a good sleep the night after that, and then a bad sleep the night after that, and... so on and so forth.
ALTHOUGH this might just be because it's the holidays and I'm not using up as much energy as I should. Ah well. I've decided to take a walk around the neighbourhood once or twice a week 'cause it'll be good for me. :B


I GET REALLY TALKATIVE WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH SLEEP RAAAAAARRR GIMME SUGAR